i find myself wanting to talk about heterosexuality a lot in queer spaces
and then feel shame for it, like i’m appropriating a space that’s supposed to be free of an often-compulsory act that many in those spaces found/find oppressive
but like, obvi queer isn’t just about same-sex relationships, and thinking of queer as not-opposite-sex is meaningless within a gender paradigm that doesn’t ascribe to the concept of “opposite”
at the same time, is the time i spend praising positive, consensual, communicative heterosexuality just giving out awards to people for being *not* terrible? is it undermining the power of queer spaces by tokenizing and rewarding simple decency in non-queers while holding queers to significantly higher standards of anti-oppressive behavior?
or am i standing up for myself as a person-in-transition, who needs to assert my right to be in a relationship that is simultaneously “straight” and “queer,” and who sometimes wants reassurance that “heterosexuality” is a narrative with multiple possibilities?
I’m a cis queer woman in a relationship with a cis dude. I don’t try to talk about straight people often in queer spaces because I worry about appropriating space that isn’t meant for me, but then again, it is - I’m still queer & I understand myself as femme, rather than as straight. I think that most dykes I know find this pretty laughable, but that’s true. When I am in spaces w. straight people, especially with my partner, especially when everyone is in a hetero partnership and people around me presume that about me, I feel like my identity is being erased, but I also feel that - in a different way - in queer spaces.
I’m with you on the idea that “not-opposite-sex” seems like an imperfect definition in a community that is generally so supportive of more plural conceptions of gender.
In the community I’m in, too, I feel that there is a lot of conflation between one’s relationship status/gender identity and one’s IDEAS ABOUT/political stance/understanding of queerness and genderqueerness. Like I will probably never have dysphoria, but that doesn’t mean that I totally don’t understand anything about my trans friends, or that I am somehow less politically radical than they are.
Simultaneously, I think that my queer friends don’t make a distinction between COMPULSORY heterosexuality & heteronormativity on the one hand and heterosexual partnerships on the other hand. There is a lot of pressure for me to be as queer as possible - I feel like sometimes new queer acquaintences are interested in knowing me insofar as they think they can “convert” me into “coming out” as a dyke and, well, fuck that. I’m already queer.
I think that many of the people I know are invested in redoing relationships in a way that’s radical, in a way that rejects lots of things that traditional straight relationships tend to perpetuate - no presumed heterosexuality, no rape culture, no coercion, no slut shaming, no dishonesty, no pressure. People who are into support and communication and redefining what counts as satisfying sex and changing the model of a happy relationship, and asserting that you don’t have to have a primary partner to be happy, and questioning norms about gender - I think these are common & worthwhile goals.